Hello world!
Great, just what the world needs – another blog!
No, it is just I who needs this. But, if the world offers any comment on my thoughts, I will be grateful for the experience.
And why do I need this?
There are topics that regularly come to my mind, and I become quite familiar with them. Out of that familiarity, I create the idea of knowing enough. Forgetting that I actually handle very unfounded feelings that stand in the place of facts. I do not think that I am lonely in such superficial experiences, but I feel that I am more troubled than others by the inability to simply avoid the phenomena. And it is even worse when I stutter in front of my son trying to satisfy the curiosity of a twelve-year-old. That is a very practical part of the reason why I need this blog – to sort out feelings and facts.
Perhaps a less practical and more intimate, but still related reason is the inability to place myself, in some very real-life situations, into some generally accepted categories. For example: am I a believer or agnostic, a liberal, a conservative, what do I think about the trends of the world I live in; what is my experience with trends in the first place, and why? In the end, it comes down to the basic question – what are my ground beliefs that make me do everything I do in life? Everything I do?! The truth is I would like to do more (everything?) because of beliefs, not because of the sheer mechanics of life, the mere automatism of living.
However, even if I try not to deal so much with the motives, every complex project comes with documentation. I am not saying that I lead a complex life, but it’s filled with questions hard enough that I need documentation to spot all the pitfalls, opportunities… To understand what I’m doing here. Or should be doing.
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Furthermore, there are (social) developments and comments on it that differ so much from what I feel and think I often have the need to shout at the top of my lungs and point out stupidity, wrongness, ridiculousness… of events. With the reputation of a quiet family man, it is not possible, of course, to shout and swear in the middle of the street. Here, however, from when I want to shout till the moment I type why, it is likely that safeguarding mechanisms will be activated, turning the anger into a concrete thought, or stifling the motive for ranting because there is no reason to rant after all. In such a case, this diary scribble may, or at least should, have a therapeutic effect.
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It does not hurt to mention the (im)possibility to express myself – in an easy to understand, simple and clear way. Where clarity always has the purpose of conveying thoughts and ideas. If one talks or writes without that purpose, then it’s just a conversation that fills in different gaps or silences – it is a small talk. Although there is absolutely nothing wrong with small talk, which is sometimes even necessary, to live a life filled with only small conversations and no ideas… It scares me! Probably out of the belief that life is, must be, something big and important after all. Mind that grand importance may be coming from selfishness, and when writing a diary-like text it is probably the only place where egocentrism is perfectly acceptable.
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Why in English? English is not my first language, and it is a good exercise to express thoughts in a foreign language. In addition, speaking a foreign language implies different formulations, not only of sentences but also of thoughts, so this really is a convenient mental exercise.
It seems to me the most important reason is that I perceive the English language neutral. Enough people in the world use English and English clearly is the language of the world. My mother tongue is just the language of the country and region I come from. I have never felt (nor understood) fully the national pride of my country, much less the region. I don’t feel anything special when local or national athletes and clubs perform. Moreover, to fanatically support one nation, one city or one local club, seems to erase the meaning of sport itself – a unity that should find super-meaning over the coincidence of belonging within the borders of states and cities; a unity that deliberately and with much effort should strive to sportingly break through the limits of the possibilities of human bodies. It is not about us versus them, it should be about all of us against universal limitations and weaknesses.
I never felt that I belonged here and that my surroundings were part of my personality and being (although over time it certainly has become so). I naively believe that there are many places where the grass is greener, life is better, and people are smarter and more inspiring. At least, it would be for me. Until I find such a place, I continue to be a wanderer who wonders…
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